I'm already a week overdue on writing Baby Jane's 10-Month Letter. However, I'm guessing only my mom and possibly my husband eagerly wait for those, so it is still on hold.
As I contemplate that post in my head, I have to laugh. Every single time, and I do mean every single time I reflect on Jane's babyhood, I hear a little soundtrack. (And I do understand if you write me off as crazy and stop reading right now.) I always think of the song "You are My Sunshine." It is cheesy, I know. I can't help it.
The other thing that I always think about is my guilt. I sometimes have guilt over enjoying Jane's first year so very much. I don't love her any more than my other children, still I feel guilty admitting that I've enjoyed this year so much.
I know part of it is that I'm at ease with being a mom of little babies. I mean I've practically been that for four years straight. But, the other thing is that Jane is the most easygoing baby I've ever met. Sure, she is getting to be more of a handful now that she moves and gets into every. single. thing. Yet, all things considered, she is much easier to care for than Ann and Chris were at this age.
There, I've said it. I do feel a bit better about being honest. No one ever told me about the guilt of having an easy baby. Moms frequently see me with just Jane and comment about how their babies would never sit and do such and such. I never know how to respond without feeling like I've been a bit disrespectful to my other children. I mean, saying "I've paid my dues," doesn't seem right.
Besides, high maintenance babies don't mean those same children won't turn out to be lovely. They are simply babies who cry a lot. We mamas don't love them any less.
Perhaps it can all be summed up by what my grandma used to say. She sometimes said that "she loved us, but she didn't always have to like us."
I don't always have to like the stages my children are at, but I will always, always love them. Who knows, Jane might be a bit of a challenge as a toddler. I reserve the right not to like that, but I will love her. I might even kiss her while I put her in time-out.
This motherhood business is a tricky thing.
Now that I've written this scattered excuse for a post, maybe I can write guilt-free about my days enjoying Jane's first year. After all, there are less than two months until she turns one. I won't get started on that. I'm tempted to boycott her first birthday party because I'm in denial that my baby could be so old so soon.
I do believe that is enough rambling for one day, don't you think?